Licks and Vicks Don't Mix!

SILVER: (Taking breaks from drinking furiously drinking from his bowl) OH GOD!!!! OH GOD!!! THE TASTE WON’T GO AWAY!!!!

ME:        Silver, I’m sorry. I should have warned you.

SILVER:  GET ANOTHER WATER DISH READY!!!! THIS ONE WON’T BE ENOUGH!!!!

Me:        And it was awful nice of you to give pop a big kiss on the face like that.

SILVER: UGH!!! BETTER YET JUST FILL UP THE BATHTUB!!! I’LL DEAL!!!!

ME:        But I probably should have warned you that when I have a cold, I put lots of Vicks Vaporub under my nose.

SILVER: UGH!!! SCREW THIS!!! Get my leash! We’re going across the street! I don’t care if the water in that filthy pond is safe to drink or not!

ME:        I get the feeling your poop is going to smell even worse than usual tonight!

Never going outside again

SILVER: Pop? What happened? I thought we were going to the dog park?

ME:        Yeah, we’re just going to sit here for a few minutes.

SILVER: What happened?

ME:        Nothing. Nothing. What do you mean?

SILVER: Well we were halfway across the parking lot when you suddenly stopped and sprinted back inside.

Me:        Oh that? Well…

SILVER: I mean sprint for you. A slightly elevated gait for anybody else.

ME:        Silver, I just forgot something that I had to go back inside for.

SILVER: Forgot, eh? I wonder what you forgot. Would it be my leash? No, I was on that.

ME:        No, not your leash.

SILVER: The keys? No, they were in your other hand.

ME:        Could you just …

SILVER: Hmmm… I got it! You forgot to put on pants and you just walked across the parking lot in front of everyone in your boxers!

ME:        Silver, pop just wants to sit here quietly for a few minutes. I will take you out soon, okay?

SILVER: Fine. (Pause) I wonder if that old lady across the way stopped laughing yet?

ME:        Don’t know, buddy. Don’t know.

Screen Test

SILVER: So, pop. What’s that thing over there called?

ME:        (Sigh) A screen door. Look, Silver, I’m really sor…

SILVER: Screen door. Like a door, But …. different.

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: For example, can air get through it?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Can water get through it?

ME:        Listen, Silver. I can not fully express…

SILVER: Just answer the question.

ME:        Yes, water can get through it.

SILVER: Aaah. But could say, a 65-pound husky, who was on the patio when his dumbass pop closed the door before checking to see if he was inside, get through it? Take your time.

ME:        No, it could not.

SILVER: I see. So said husky will now sit in the rain until his pop notices that he is not in the condo. For almost half an hour. Which is what happened here.

ME:        I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

SILVER: Whatever. I’m going to lie down on your bed.

ME:        Silver, please don’t. You’re soaking wet.

SILVER: Exactly. Which is why I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN ON YOUR BED!!!!!!!!

Counting

SILVER: So, pop. I've been counting, Just listen to these numbers I came up with

ME:        Numbers? Okay, shoot.

SILVER: Three times on The BLT Trail. Thirty-two times on the COLTA Trail. Four times on the Mainland Linear Trail:

ME:        I’m impressed… I think.

SILVER: The Dog Park? Well over 100.

ME:        100? Wow. Again, I think.

SILVER: Two times on the Walk Around First Lake. Six times on the Bayers Lake Trail.  Twelve times on the Salt Marsh Trail. I lost track at 50 times while going through the Tim Horton’s Drive Thru...

ME:        And these numbers refer to …

SILVER: The number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a beautiful dog”!

ME:        You counted. That’s impressive by itself.

SILVER: Yeah. And this is the number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a handsome doggy dad!”

ME:        You really don’t have to te …

SILVER: Zero on the BLT Trail. Not once on the COLTA Trail. Never on the Mainland Linear Trail.

ME:        I get it.

SILVER Never on the Bayers Lake Trail.

ME:        That’s enough, Silv…

SILVER: A big ol’ goose egg on the Salt Marsh Trail. Bupkis at the Drive thru….

ME:        Yer killin’ me.

This means war!!

SILVER: Wow, pop! Did a bird do that?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Aren’t birds the things I always try to attack when we go for walks?

ME:        The same.

SILVER: But just before I can attack them, you pull me back. And then you say things like “Live and let live, buddy” and “Silver, ask yourself… what would The Littlest Hobo do?” Those birds?

ME:        Uh huh.

SILVER: All you wanted to do was protect them. And to say thank you, one of them poops on your car.

ME:        Sure did.

SILVER: Not one day after you had to pay for a car wash to remove the poop the other bird did… on the exact same spot.

ME:        Yep.

SILVER: It’s on now. Isn’t it, pop?

ME:        It’s on, buddy. It’s on!

So embarrassing

ME:        Well, THAT was embarrassing!

SILVER: I’m not saying sorry. Not to you, the other dogs or the other owners.

ME:        I didn’t think you would.

SILVER: Because what happened wasn’t my fault.

ME:        Oh really?

SILVER: Next time, just say “It’s Wednesday!”

ME:        Fine.

SILVER: But don’t say “Hey Silver! It’s Hump Day!” and then take me to the dog park. Because that’s when what just happened… happens!

ME:        It was like watching “Littlest Hobo meets Caligula”!

SILVER: Still not sorry.

How'd you get that scratch?

                

SILVER: Sooo, pop? What are you going to tell people?

ME:        You mean when they ask how I got this scratch on my face?

SILVER: Yeah. I mean if it comes up.

ME:        I’m going to “tell” people that I was walking along the street when I saw some nasty no-goodnicks robbing a nun.

SILVER: Do nuns carry money?

ME:        Robbing a lawyer who used to be a nun.

SILVER: Oooo. Creative!

ME:        I yelled “Stop in the name of all things right and holy!”, at which point they ran off. And I ran off after them.

SILVER: Aren’t people going to get suspicious when you of all people say you ran anywhere?

ME:        Aren’t you gonna shut up?

SILVER: Sorry. Continue.

ME:        Thank you. Anyway, I cornered them in a dark alley. It was at this point that I subdued them and held them for the police. But not before one of them flashed a switchblade….

SILVER: … and gave you that scar, or rather scratch, on your face.

ME:        Exactly!

SILVER: Very nice. So…. You’re not going to tell them the truth?

ME:        You mean that it was really from you when I was trying to hold you still while the vet tech tried to trim your nails? No, I think I’ll take that to the grave.

SILVER: My hero!

Car Ride!!!

SILVER: Come on. Pop!! Car ride!! Let’s go!!

ME:        Fine. But Silver….

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        Silver….

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        SILLLLVEEEERRRR!!!!

SILVER: What?

ME:        That’s not our car.

SILVER: I know!!! CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        Wait, let me get this straight. You want to go for a car ride, just not in my car.

SILVER: Pop, it’s not that I don’t want to go for a car ride in your car.

ME:        Okay.

SILVER: I just don’t want to be SEEN in your car!

ME:        Well, that makes it better.

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

You gonna eat that?

SILVER: Now what are you doing?

ME:        You gonna eat that? Huh? You gonna eat that? You gonna eat that?

SILVER: It’s Kibble. It’s in my bowl. Of course I’m going to eat it.

ME:        Oh, I’m sorry. Am I being annoying?

SILVER: Even more so than usual, if that’s possible.

ME:        So what you’re saying is that it is very annoying when you are trying to eat and someone puts their face up to you and begs?

SILVER: That’s exactly what I’m sayi… oh God, here we go.

ME:        Kind of like when I’m trying to eat and you don’t and won’t leave me alone?

SILVER: Yes, Oh Doctor of Reverse Psychology. Just like that.

ME:        Good! As I was saying… You gonna eat that? Huh? Huh?

SILVER: You know what? Go ahead.

ME:        … What?

SILVER: Stick your face in my dog dish and eat my kibble.

ME:        Well, …

SILVER: I won’t bite. I won’t even growl. Go ahead. I dare ya! I double dog dare ya!

ME:        (Getting off my knees and walking away) I think I proved my point.

SILVER: Oh, you proved something.

Fetch?

ME:        You know, Silver, I took you to the dog park today to play fetch.

SILVER: Yes. And I had a blast!

ME:        What? You didn’t do anything. I threw the ball as far as I could…

SILVER: Yeah. Which isn’t very far, Tom Brady.

ME:        … but instead of going after it, you just sat there. Or you walked around sniffing.

SILVER: Right.

ME:        So I would have to go get the ball myself while you did nothing.

SILVER: Right. So in other words…

ME:        In other words, instead of playing fetch, you just sat there and watched me chase after a ball and bring it back to you over and over …

(Staring to sink in)

ME:        … again.

(Moment when I realize I have once again been played by Silver)

ME:        You’re such a jerk.

SILVER: Let’s play again tomorrow!

Wake up!!

ME:        Silver, guess what time it is?

SILVER: Um, after midnight actually. Why did you wake me?

ME:        Because it’s time for …. BAD JOKE DOGGY DAD!!!

SILVER:    … okay.

ME:        How do you get two whales in a car?

SILVER: I don’t know. How?

ME:        You start in England and drive west!

SILVER: (LONG PAUSE) Go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.

Tell me now

ME:        Silver, do you have to tell me something?

SILVER: Like what?

ME:        Do you have to do anything?

SILVER: I don’t think so.

ME:        Because if you don’t have to do anything right now, I am going to lie down on the couch.

SILVER: Good. You deserve your rest.

ME:        I’m going to crawl under this blanket. Are you sure you don’t need anything?

SILVER: Nope. Get cozy.

ME:        I’m going to turn on the TV. Are you sure you don’t need anything?

SILVER: Absolutely not. I think baseball is on soon.

ME:        It sure is. And you are okay?

SILVER: Yep. Enjoy the game.

ME:        Great. I’m just going to relax and enjoy the ga…

SILVER: Get my leash. I have to pee.

ME:        SILVER!

SILVER: Sorry, but you didn’t ask!

Bravest Dog Ever --- NOT!!!!

SILVER: Are you done laughing?
ME: (Trying to stop laughing) Sorry.
SILVER: I'm glad you thought me nearly being savagely attacked was so funny.
ME: I think you're over-reacting.
SILVER: Oh really? Did you see that thing charge at me?
ME: No, I saw that little dog walk over to sniff you.
SILVER: Little dog? That thing was a monster!
ME: Yeah, I'd say it weighed about 8 pounds. Tops.
SILVER: And did you see how it suddenly looked at me with those devil eyes, bared its fangs and lunged at my throat?
ME: (Pause) It sneezed. After which you turned and ran away so fast I thought my shoulder was dislocated because I didn't let go of your leash.
SILVER: (Looking at me typing on the computer) What are you doing?
ME: I'm on Kijiji trying to sell this "World's Bravest Dog Lives Here" sign I bought for the front door.
SILVER: Hey, see if anyone is selling a "World's Biggest Jerk-Face of a Doggy Dad Lives Here" sign!

Please move!

ME:        Silver, please move.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        There’s enough room on the couch for both of us.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        I know you’re awake. You twitch when you sleep.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ME:         Hey! Look out the window. There are a bunch of cats.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz how nice Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        Yea, with a bunch of mice riding on their backs

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  Interesting Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:       And they all are carrying steaks!

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Something you don’t see every day Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        (Sigh) fine, I’ll sit on the floor.

SILVER: Hey, maybe you can go keep the cats and mice company

ME:        Gee thanks.

SILVER: No problem Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Whole new year, whole new Silver

ME:        Silver, did you make a New Year’s Resolution for 2017?

SILVER: Yes! I promise to be good to all living creatures!

ME:        Really? Well that’s just great.

SILVER: Except cats. Because, you know, cats.

ME:        That’s fine.

SILVER: Mice and rats, too.

ME:        That’s … yeah, sure.

SILVER: And I’ll be cool with dogs. Unless they get angry at me for trying to hump them.

ME:        We REALLY have to talk about th…

SILVER: Squirrels. Rabbits. Foxes. Chipmunks. Deer. Nothing’s going to change there.

ME:        Of course it won’t.

SILVER: Come to think of it, there were some animals I saw on that Discovery Channel show you had on that seemed to have serious ‘tude, dude. Seriously. If I EVER catch a freaking wallaby within a thousand miles of here, I will kick it’s a…

ME:        SILVER!

SILVER: Fine. (Holding up his paw) In 2017, I vow to be a dog. A regular dog.

ME:        Well, …. Good luck with that.