Licks and Vicks Don't Mix!

SILVER: (Taking breaks from drinking furiously drinking from his bowl) OH GOD!!!! OH GOD!!! THE TASTE WON’T GO AWAY!!!!

ME:        Silver, I’m sorry. I should have warned you.

SILVER:  GET ANOTHER WATER DISH READY!!!! THIS ONE WON’T BE ENOUGH!!!!

Me:        And it was awful nice of you to give pop a big kiss on the face like that.

SILVER: UGH!!! BETTER YET JUST FILL UP THE BATHTUB!!! I’LL DEAL!!!!

ME:        But I probably should have warned you that when I have a cold, I put lots of Vicks Vaporub under my nose.

SILVER: UGH!!! SCREW THIS!!! Get my leash! We’re going across the street! I don’t care if the water in that filthy pond is safe to drink or not!

ME:        I get the feeling your poop is going to smell even worse than usual tonight!

Never going outside again

SILVER: Pop? What happened? I thought we were going to the dog park?

ME:        Yeah, we’re just going to sit here for a few minutes.

SILVER: What happened?

ME:        Nothing. Nothing. What do you mean?

SILVER: Well we were halfway across the parking lot when you suddenly stopped and sprinted back inside.

Me:        Oh that? Well…

SILVER: I mean sprint for you. A slightly elevated gait for anybody else.

ME:        Silver, I just forgot something that I had to go back inside for.

SILVER: Forgot, eh? I wonder what you forgot. Would it be my leash? No, I was on that.

ME:        No, not your leash.

SILVER: The keys? No, they were in your other hand.

ME:        Could you just …

SILVER: Hmmm… I got it! You forgot to put on pants and you just walked across the parking lot in front of everyone in your boxers!

ME:        Silver, pop just wants to sit here quietly for a few minutes. I will take you out soon, okay?

SILVER: Fine. (Pause) I wonder if that old lady across the way stopped laughing yet?

ME:        Don’t know, buddy. Don’t know.

Screen Test

SILVER: So, pop. What’s that thing over there called?

ME:        (Sigh) A screen door. Look, Silver, I’m really sor…

SILVER: Screen door. Like a door, But …. different.

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: For example, can air get through it?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Can water get through it?

ME:        Listen, Silver. I can not fully express…

SILVER: Just answer the question.

ME:        Yes, water can get through it.

SILVER: Aaah. But could say, a 65-pound husky, who was on the patio when his dumbass pop closed the door before checking to see if he was inside, get through it? Take your time.

ME:        No, it could not.

SILVER: I see. So said husky will now sit in the rain until his pop notices that he is not in the condo. For almost half an hour. Which is what happened here.

ME:        I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

SILVER: Whatever. I’m going to lie down on your bed.

ME:        Silver, please don’t. You’re soaking wet.

SILVER: Exactly. Which is why I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN ON YOUR BED!!!!!!!!

Counting

SILVER: So, pop. I've been counting, Just listen to these numbers I came up with

ME:        Numbers? Okay, shoot.

SILVER: Three times on The BLT Trail. Thirty-two times on the COLTA Trail. Four times on the Mainland Linear Trail:

ME:        I’m impressed… I think.

SILVER: The Dog Park? Well over 100.

ME:        100? Wow. Again, I think.

SILVER: Two times on the Walk Around First Lake. Six times on the Bayers Lake Trail.  Twelve times on the Salt Marsh Trail. I lost track at 50 times while going through the Tim Horton’s Drive Thru...

ME:        And these numbers refer to …

SILVER: The number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a beautiful dog”!

ME:        You counted. That’s impressive by itself.

SILVER: Yeah. And this is the number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a handsome doggy dad!”

ME:        You really don’t have to te …

SILVER: Zero on the BLT Trail. Not once on the COLTA Trail. Never on the Mainland Linear Trail.

ME:        I get it.

SILVER Never on the Bayers Lake Trail.

ME:        That’s enough, Silv…

SILVER: A big ol’ goose egg on the Salt Marsh Trail. Bupkis at the Drive thru….

ME:        Yer killin’ me.

This means war!!

SILVER: Wow, pop! Did a bird do that?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Aren’t birds the things I always try to attack when we go for walks?

ME:        The same.

SILVER: But just before I can attack them, you pull me back. And then you say things like “Live and let live, buddy” and “Silver, ask yourself… what would The Littlest Hobo do?” Those birds?

ME:        Uh huh.

SILVER: All you wanted to do was protect them. And to say thank you, one of them poops on your car.

ME:        Sure did.

SILVER: Not one day after you had to pay for a car wash to remove the poop the other bird did… on the exact same spot.

ME:        Yep.

SILVER: It’s on now. Isn’t it, pop?

ME:        It’s on, buddy. It’s on!

So embarrassing

ME:        Well, THAT was embarrassing!

SILVER: I’m not saying sorry. Not to you, the other dogs or the other owners.

ME:        I didn’t think you would.

SILVER: Because what happened wasn’t my fault.

ME:        Oh really?

SILVER: Next time, just say “It’s Wednesday!”

ME:        Fine.

SILVER: But don’t say “Hey Silver! It’s Hump Day!” and then take me to the dog park. Because that’s when what just happened… happens!

ME:        It was like watching “Littlest Hobo meets Caligula”!

SILVER: Still not sorry.

How'd you get that scratch?

                

SILVER: Sooo, pop? What are you going to tell people?

ME:        You mean when they ask how I got this scratch on my face?

SILVER: Yeah. I mean if it comes up.

ME:        I’m going to “tell” people that I was walking along the street when I saw some nasty no-goodnicks robbing a nun.

SILVER: Do nuns carry money?

ME:        Robbing a lawyer who used to be a nun.

SILVER: Oooo. Creative!

ME:        I yelled “Stop in the name of all things right and holy!”, at which point they ran off. And I ran off after them.

SILVER: Aren’t people going to get suspicious when you of all people say you ran anywhere?

ME:        Aren’t you gonna shut up?

SILVER: Sorry. Continue.

ME:        Thank you. Anyway, I cornered them in a dark alley. It was at this point that I subdued them and held them for the police. But not before one of them flashed a switchblade….

SILVER: … and gave you that scar, or rather scratch, on your face.

ME:        Exactly!

SILVER: Very nice. So…. You’re not going to tell them the truth?

ME:        You mean that it was really from you when I was trying to hold you still while the vet tech tried to trim your nails? No, I think I’ll take that to the grave.

SILVER: My hero!