Screen Test

SILVER: So, pop. What’s that thing over there called?

ME:        (Sigh) A screen door. Look, Silver, I’m really sor…

SILVER: Screen door. Like a door, But …. different.

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: For example, can air get through it?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Can water get through it?

ME:        Listen, Silver. I can not fully express…

SILVER: Just answer the question.

ME:        Yes, water can get through it.

SILVER: Aaah. But could say, a 65-pound husky, who was on the patio when his dumbass pop closed the door before checking to see if he was inside, get through it? Take your time.

ME:        No, it could not.

SILVER: I see. So said husky will now sit in the rain until his pop notices that he is not in the condo. For almost half an hour. Which is what happened here.

ME:        I am so sorry. Please forgive me.

SILVER: Whatever. I’m going to lie down on your bed.

ME:        Silver, please don’t. You’re soaking wet.

SILVER: Exactly. Which is why I AM GOING TO LIE DOWN ON YOUR BED!!!!!!!!

Counting

SILVER: So, pop. I've been counting, Just listen to these numbers I came up with

ME:        Numbers? Okay, shoot.

SILVER: Three times on The BLT Trail. Thirty-two times on the COLTA Trail. Four times on the Mainland Linear Trail:

ME:        I’m impressed… I think.

SILVER: The Dog Park? Well over 100.

ME:        100? Wow. Again, I think.

SILVER: Two times on the Walk Around First Lake. Six times on the Bayers Lake Trail.  Twelve times on the Salt Marsh Trail. I lost track at 50 times while going through the Tim Horton’s Drive Thru...

ME:        And these numbers refer to …

SILVER: The number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a beautiful dog”!

ME:        You counted. That’s impressive by itself.

SILVER: Yeah. And this is the number of times people stopped us and said “Wow! What a handsome doggy dad!”

ME:        You really don’t have to te …

SILVER: Zero on the BLT Trail. Not once on the COLTA Trail. Never on the Mainland Linear Trail.

ME:        I get it.

SILVER Never on the Bayers Lake Trail.

ME:        That’s enough, Silv…

SILVER: A big ol’ goose egg on the Salt Marsh Trail. Bupkis at the Drive thru….

ME:        Yer killin’ me.

This means war!!

SILVER: Wow, pop! Did a bird do that?

ME:        Yes.

SILVER: Aren’t birds the things I always try to attack when we go for walks?

ME:        The same.

SILVER: But just before I can attack them, you pull me back. And then you say things like “Live and let live, buddy” and “Silver, ask yourself… what would The Littlest Hobo do?” Those birds?

ME:        Uh huh.

SILVER: All you wanted to do was protect them. And to say thank you, one of them poops on your car.

ME:        Sure did.

SILVER: Not one day after you had to pay for a car wash to remove the poop the other bird did… on the exact same spot.

ME:        Yep.

SILVER: It’s on now. Isn’t it, pop?

ME:        It’s on, buddy. It’s on!

So embarrassing

ME:        Well, THAT was embarrassing!

SILVER: I’m not saying sorry. Not to you, the other dogs or the other owners.

ME:        I didn’t think you would.

SILVER: Because what happened wasn’t my fault.

ME:        Oh really?

SILVER: Next time, just say “It’s Wednesday!”

ME:        Fine.

SILVER: But don’t say “Hey Silver! It’s Hump Day!” and then take me to the dog park. Because that’s when what just happened… happens!

ME:        It was like watching “Littlest Hobo meets Caligula”!

SILVER: Still not sorry.

How'd you get that scratch?

                

SILVER: Sooo, pop? What are you going to tell people?

ME:        You mean when they ask how I got this scratch on my face?

SILVER: Yeah. I mean if it comes up.

ME:        I’m going to “tell” people that I was walking along the street when I saw some nasty no-goodnicks robbing a nun.

SILVER: Do nuns carry money?

ME:        Robbing a lawyer who used to be a nun.

SILVER: Oooo. Creative!

ME:        I yelled “Stop in the name of all things right and holy!”, at which point they ran off. And I ran off after them.

SILVER: Aren’t people going to get suspicious when you of all people say you ran anywhere?

ME:        Aren’t you gonna shut up?

SILVER: Sorry. Continue.

ME:        Thank you. Anyway, I cornered them in a dark alley. It was at this point that I subdued them and held them for the police. But not before one of them flashed a switchblade….

SILVER: … and gave you that scar, or rather scratch, on your face.

ME:        Exactly!

SILVER: Very nice. So…. You’re not going to tell them the truth?

ME:        You mean that it was really from you when I was trying to hold you still while the vet tech tried to trim your nails? No, I think I’ll take that to the grave.

SILVER: My hero!

Car Ride!!!

SILVER: Come on. Pop!! Car ride!! Let’s go!!

ME:        Fine. But Silver….

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        Silver….

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        SILLLLVEEEERRRR!!!!

SILVER: What?

ME:        That’s not our car.

SILVER: I know!!! CAR RIDE!!!!!

ME:        Wait, let me get this straight. You want to go for a car ride, just not in my car.

SILVER: Pop, it’s not that I don’t want to go for a car ride in your car.

ME:        Okay.

SILVER: I just don’t want to be SEEN in your car!

ME:        Well, that makes it better.

SILVER: CAR RIDE!!!!!

You gonna eat that?

SILVER: Now what are you doing?

ME:        You gonna eat that? Huh? You gonna eat that? You gonna eat that?

SILVER: It’s Kibble. It’s in my bowl. Of course I’m going to eat it.

ME:        Oh, I’m sorry. Am I being annoying?

SILVER: Even more so than usual, if that’s possible.

ME:        So what you’re saying is that it is very annoying when you are trying to eat and someone puts their face up to you and begs?

SILVER: That’s exactly what I’m sayi… oh God, here we go.

ME:        Kind of like when I’m trying to eat and you don’t and won’t leave me alone?

SILVER: Yes, Oh Doctor of Reverse Psychology. Just like that.

ME:        Good! As I was saying… You gonna eat that? Huh? Huh?

SILVER: You know what? Go ahead.

ME:        … What?

SILVER: Stick your face in my dog dish and eat my kibble.

ME:        Well, …

SILVER: I won’t bite. I won’t even growl. Go ahead. I dare ya! I double dog dare ya!

ME:        (Getting off my knees and walking away) I think I proved my point.

SILVER: Oh, you proved something.