Fetch?

ME:        You know, Silver, I took you to the dog park today to play fetch.

SILVER: Yes. And I had a blast!

ME:        What? You didn’t do anything. I threw the ball as far as I could…

SILVER: Yeah. Which isn’t very far, Tom Brady.

ME:        … but instead of going after it, you just sat there. Or you walked around sniffing.

SILVER: Right.

ME:        So I would have to go get the ball myself while you did nothing.

SILVER: Right. So in other words…

ME:        In other words, instead of playing fetch, you just sat there and watched me chase after a ball and bring it back to you over and over …

(Staring to sink in)

ME:        … again.

(Moment when I realize I have once again been played by Silver)

ME:        You’re such a jerk.

SILVER: Let’s play again tomorrow!

Wake up!!

ME:        Silver, guess what time it is?

SILVER: Um, after midnight actually. Why did you wake me?

ME:        Because it’s time for …. BAD JOKE DOGGY DAD!!!

SILVER:    … okay.

ME:        How do you get two whales in a car?

SILVER: I don’t know. How?

ME:        You start in England and drive west!

SILVER: (LONG PAUSE) Go to sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.

Tell me now

ME:        Silver, do you have to tell me something?

SILVER: Like what?

ME:        Do you have to do anything?

SILVER: I don’t think so.

ME:        Because if you don’t have to do anything right now, I am going to lie down on the couch.

SILVER: Good. You deserve your rest.

ME:        I’m going to crawl under this blanket. Are you sure you don’t need anything?

SILVER: Nope. Get cozy.

ME:        I’m going to turn on the TV. Are you sure you don’t need anything?

SILVER: Absolutely not. I think baseball is on soon.

ME:        It sure is. And you are okay?

SILVER: Yep. Enjoy the game.

ME:        Great. I’m just going to relax and enjoy the ga…

SILVER: Get my leash. I have to pee.

ME:        SILVER!

SILVER: Sorry, but you didn’t ask!

Bravest Dog Ever --- NOT!!!!

SILVER: Are you done laughing?
ME: (Trying to stop laughing) Sorry.
SILVER: I'm glad you thought me nearly being savagely attacked was so funny.
ME: I think you're over-reacting.
SILVER: Oh really? Did you see that thing charge at me?
ME: No, I saw that little dog walk over to sniff you.
SILVER: Little dog? That thing was a monster!
ME: Yeah, I'd say it weighed about 8 pounds. Tops.
SILVER: And did you see how it suddenly looked at me with those devil eyes, bared its fangs and lunged at my throat?
ME: (Pause) It sneezed. After which you turned and ran away so fast I thought my shoulder was dislocated because I didn't let go of your leash.
SILVER: (Looking at me typing on the computer) What are you doing?
ME: I'm on Kijiji trying to sell this "World's Bravest Dog Lives Here" sign I bought for the front door.
SILVER: Hey, see if anyone is selling a "World's Biggest Jerk-Face of a Doggy Dad Lives Here" sign!

Please move!

ME:        Silver, please move.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        There’s enough room on the couch for both of us.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        I know you’re awake. You twitch when you sleep.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ME:         Hey! Look out the window. There are a bunch of cats.

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz how nice Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        Yea, with a bunch of mice riding on their backs

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  Interesting Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:       And they all are carrying steaks!

SILVER: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Something you don’t see every day Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ME:        (Sigh) fine, I’ll sit on the floor.

SILVER: Hey, maybe you can go keep the cats and mice company

ME:        Gee thanks.

SILVER: No problem Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Whole new year, whole new Silver

ME:        Silver, did you make a New Year’s Resolution for 2017?

SILVER: Yes! I promise to be good to all living creatures!

ME:        Really? Well that’s just great.

SILVER: Except cats. Because, you know, cats.

ME:        That’s fine.

SILVER: Mice and rats, too.

ME:        That’s … yeah, sure.

SILVER: And I’ll be cool with dogs. Unless they get angry at me for trying to hump them.

ME:        We REALLY have to talk about th…

SILVER: Squirrels. Rabbits. Foxes. Chipmunks. Deer. Nothing’s going to change there.

ME:        Of course it won’t.

SILVER: Come to think of it, there were some animals I saw on that Discovery Channel show you had on that seemed to have serious ‘tude, dude. Seriously. If I EVER catch a freaking wallaby within a thousand miles of here, I will kick it’s a…

ME:        SILVER!

SILVER: Fine. (Holding up his paw) In 2017, I vow to be a dog. A regular dog.

ME:        Well, …. Good luck with that.

TUG OF WAR!!!

SILVER: Come on POP!!! TUG OF WAR!!!

Me:        Silver, I’m tired.

SILVER: DON’T CARE!! TUG OF WAR!!!

Me:        But you always win.

SILVER: NOT MY PROBLEM!! TUG OF WAR!!!

Me:        Silver, all you want to do is play with an old sock I was going to throw out.

SILVER: YEP!!! TUG OF WAR!!!

Me:        Where are the toys you got for Christmas?

SILVER: HID ‘EM ALL! FORGET WHERE! TUG O’WAR!!!!!

Me:        And last Christmas?

SILVER: DITTO!!! TUG O’WAR!!!!!

Me:        Silver, I want you to look at that big bin over there. It’s filled with all the toys I and others have bought for you. Toys that squawk. Toys that oink. Toys that cock-a-doodle-do. There are HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS worth of toys in that bin just waiting to be played with. I want you to pick one and play with it. Alone!

SILVER: Fine.

Me:        Good.

SILVER: I’ll pick a toy and leave you alone.

Me:        That’s my boy. Now pop can take a well deserved na….

SILVER: But first ….

Me:        Oh, for the love of God, no.

SILVER: TUG OF WAR!!!

Me:        ((sigh)) Just give me the dry end.